ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Archive for June 21, 2011

Never a Cross Word

I’m giving the dam things up, I mean it. After all, in the grand scheme of things does it really matter what is the answer to two down or six across? Crosswords for me are merely an escape from reality or to be precise the crosswords flying backwards and forwards, up and down and all around (doing the hokey cokey!) in this house – most of them directed at me. Once those angry words have been said they stay lurking in the atmosphere like pesky flies or bats in the belfry and it doesn’t matter what I say or how many words I use, I can’t seem to make things right.

Fed up of employing my rusty counselling skills trying to work things out, I got in the car and tried to make my escape, but they followed me like a swarm of bees. I drove directly to B&Q to indulge in some therapy of my own making, as in regional car park therapy RCT as I have named it, the new alternative to person-centred therapy PCT or cognitive behavioural therapy CBT. It’s been a while since I’ve indulged in the latter but as they say actions speak louder than words and action had to be taken before something extreme occurred.

I opted for B&Q because it’s the nearest and sometimes there is a magnificent sunset over the Blackpool coast, but I was a bit too early for that. I did the usual – grabbed a huge trolley and wheeled it up and down the aisles tunelessly whistling to the piped musak – mmmm – what could I buy? In the end I bought some colour testers to try out on my walls because certain colours can influence moods. Words are such powerful things, I was thinking to myself as I wheeled my wheelbarrow through the aisles broad and narrow, like Molly Malone, only I wasn’t thinking about cockles or mussels. I was thinking about how you can make feel someone feel like shit with very few words or alternatively make someone feel really good about themselves.

Words can also be terrifying things, for example being told you are HIV positive are probably the worst words anyone will ever hear. After that words become meaningless such as (telling a newly diagnosed person as I am doing at the moment) that things will get better. They don’t believe me of course their life is shattered and they are numb with shock and fear and although it was nine years ago, I can still remember that indescribable feeling. Then there follows the great silence. Most people have to keep quiet about their positive status – keep stum, or schtum, or is it mum? In this case it should be numb. Uncomfortably numb – Pink Floyd should change the title of their famous song for people living with HIV.

On the way back from B&Q I stopped at the co-op and like the addict I have become, broke my pledge, snuck to the news stand and bought a Daily Mirror – my feeble excuse for falling off the wagon being to find out the answers from yesterday. That way I figured at least I had the answers to something.

Oh wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world with never a cross word! Someone please tell the Daily Mirror and my warring housemates.