ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Old Boiler, Moi?

My central heating boiler packed in whilst I was away, mind you, like me it is getting on in years although heaven forefend that I should be likened to an old boiler, which is derogatory slang for an unattractive and less feminine older woman, or in blunter terms, a tarty woman past her prime.

I got someone in to fix it but because we were enjoying that sunny spell we had no need to put the central heating on – so why then was there the overpowering smell of gas issuing from my back passage (no rude comments please).

It steadily got worse to the point where Luis, who was in and out of the back passage (don’t even go there!) clearing up the debris Doody had created in the garden, nearly passed out. I thought he’d just gone all Latino on me and was suffering from the likes of Spanish man flu which it was in a sense because that’s where the fumes were issuing from – my Flu.

I don’t know why but every time Luis comes to stay we suffer a ‘creeeesis’ of some kind and this time was no different.

“Adriana, call the urgencias,” he croaked when he had finally stopped swooning – so I did.

A member of the Gas emergency team came within the hour looking like a character out of Star Wars with all his beeping buzzing probes and yes there was a leak and quite a significant one at that. My boiler was declared at risk and immediately turned off. That meant either a new boiler or finding a suitably qualified Gas Safe engineer to come and try to fix it, although Darth Vader didn’t hold much hope. Apparently, you can go to jail for five years for not using a Gas Safe engineer – I didn’t know that, but I do now.

As soon as he’d gone I googled Gas Safe engineers in the Blackburn area and you should have seen their photos – with their shaved heads, piercings and tattoos, they all looked like they’d just come out of jail themselves. Not impressed by this line-up of mug shots, I made an appointment for a nice respectable British Gas representative to come and give me a quote. He arrived all clean cut in his nice uniform and we spent a very pleasant afternoon, where I learnt more about boilers than I ever thought possible. We discovered we had quite a lot in common having both led interesting lives and also experiencing the joys/horrors of coping with a new puppy. I would have dearly loved to take up his proposed offer, (dear being the appropriate word and not the old joke although he didn’t tell it, that a good engineer could get any old boiler, including me, going!) but the quote was well out of my range, unless I signed my life away for the next five years. So now we’ve got a hot water crisis, as in we haven’t got any, although B.G. man did suggest we take advantage of our local swimming baths. Instead we’re having to trail to Willo’s bathroom, my neighbour three doors down, where she has very kindly erected a temporary higher shower rail to accommodate dirty tall geezers.

Anyway, I suppose in some ways it was a good thing that ‘dirty geezer’ Luis nearly gassed himself, although luckily he didn’t have the obligatory Habanos cigarrillo stuck in the corner of his gob or he could have blown the whole street up.

I wonder if that’s why I’ve been suffering from a dizzy head? It can’t be because I still had it whilst I was away. It’s no doubt a result of the HIV medication which is known to cause vertigo – as well as everything else!

In retrospect, as far as the leaking gas was concerned, we had noticed that Lady Doody was refusing to go out in the garden, especially at nights, to perform her ablutions. She’d just stood there with her nose haughtily sniffing the air, but we’d thought she was, as usual, being a madam. She’d obviously been sniffing the gas and maybe in her way trying to warn us.

Chewing up my new blue cashmere cardigan my sister bought me in Paris was perhaps another way to warn me that the heating was about to be turned off – but somehow I don’t think so.

1 Comment»

  Artspromo wrote @

Dear Adrienne,

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** *Phone 413-259-1111 *Fax 775-908-5785

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