ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Archive for March, 2011

In the Bag!

Someone sent me this joke although chances are you’ve probably heard it before.

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

‘Doctor, I don’t feel too good,’ said the little paper bag.

‘Hmm, you look OK to me,’ said the Doctor, ‘but I’ll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.’

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. “What’s wrong with me?’ asked the little paper bag.

‘I’m afraid you are HIV positive!’ said the doctor.

‘No, I can’t be – I’m just a little paper bag!’ Said the little paper bag.

‘Have you been having unprotected sex?’ asked the doctor.

‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?’ asked the doctor.

‘NO, I can’t do things like that – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Perhaps you’ve been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?’ queried the doctor.

‘NO, I don’t have a passport – I’m just a little paper bag!’

‘Well’, said the doctor, ‘are you in a homosexual relationship?’

‘NO! I told you I can’t do things like that, I’m Just a little paper bag!’

‘Then there can be only one explanation.’ said the doctor,

‘Your mother must have been a carrier’

 

Well, am having a bit of a problem with carriers myself – aside from being one – and that is lifting the dam things and it aint no joke I can tell you.

“Doctor my right arm hurts constantly especially if I try to lift something.”

“Have you been having unprotected sex, sharing needles, travelling abroad, shagging gay men? Could be because you are short of vitamin D which is common in patients with HIV”

“Could you give me an injection – a vitamin D booster?”

“No,” Doc shakes head resolutely.

“What can I do then?” I ask him.

“You must take more sun,” he advises.

“But Doctor we live in Blackburn – when did you last see the sun?”

Doc titters to self.

“Will it ever heal Doctor – will my pain never end?”

“Only if you stop spending so much time tapping away on computer, painting, lifting kettles and carrying heavy bags.”

So that’s it. My life is officially over, no more blogging, painting, shopping, cups of tea-ing. It also means I will have to reduce the amount of stuff I carry around with me in my handbag. Women, and some men I suppose, have absolute fetishes for handbags and there are whole websites dedicated to the subject – in particular what you carry around in them and what that says about you. Go to what’s in your bag dot com. and check it out for yourself.

 Since I got Lady Doodle the contents of my bag are mainly dog related i.e. poo bags, dog treats, hot dogs as in bits of old sausage and not to mention the odd dog (as in fag) end of course. There are a whole range of bags for women and men to choose from; the clutch bags, purses, shoulder bags, fanny bags and not forgetting old bags like me. There is also the bum or bumble bag – Sheryl Crow and Heidi Klum are allegedly just a couple of ‘celeb mommies’ who are known to ‘tote their Bumble’ – that’s one way to describe it I suppose.

There are pages on flickr where you can reveal the contents of your bag for the whole world to peruse if you so desire such as Inside my bag.com – or ‘What’s in your man bag?’ – that would surely raise a few eyebrows amongst some of my gay male friends. Then there is the more confrontational – ‘Show us your purse.’

No I won’t – or more coyly, I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours – nudge nudge wink wink

Then I came across this all revealing quiz in the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

 ■ What does your bag say about you?

■ If someone found your bag and looked inside, what would they think of you?

■ What’s the most important item you’ve carried in your bag?

■ What’s the strangest item you’ve carried in your bag?

■ Tell us about the first special bag you owned.

One woman wrote -“It was a bright pink Barbie bag, of course! Even as a young girl I liked pretty bags that reflected my personality and were functional. Barbie is still one of my idols.

Say no more!

The most surreal answer was –

WELL…
i have:
some cow pat
a half eaten sandwich
an alive fish
some lace gloves
half an earring
a bitten hairdryer
an epson printer
and a stolen shoe:

What kind of person bites their hair dryer unless she’s got a puppy like Lady Doodle who would bite anything.

Interesting fact just about everyone who took part in the quiz had a hand sanitizer

There are bags which cost thousands of pounds or dollars such as the Chanel Diamond Forever Classic Bag which came with a $261,000 price tag. But that is nothing compared to what the Guinness Book of World Records crowned as the world’s most expensive purse. The “1001 Nights Diamond Purse” encrusted with over 4,500 diamonds valued at $3.8 million dollars.

If you want to become wealthy enough to buy such a bag maybe you should bring some Feng Shui into the equasion.

What’s In Your Purse? 10 Feng Shui Wealth-Producing Tips for Handbags by Kathryn Weber

“A woman’s purse is a collector of things – and sometimes those things are downright unhealthful. According to recent studies, a woman’s purse ranks as one of the top ten germiest items we come in contact with on a regular basis. (that’s obviously explains why everyone carries a hand sanitizer) “Ironically, a woman’s handbag is also the place where she carries her wealth and financial power. Is your purse a symbol of wealth or is it a danger to your health?

Considering the dog poo bags I would think in my case the latter, so maybe my bag should also include a hand sanitizer.

“When our purses are a mess and we can’t find anything, we feel lost and our bank accounts often reflect that scattered state.”

Ah soles – so that’s where I’ve been going wrong

Read these tips to get your purse in tip top feng shui shape — and make you more prosperous!

 Elevate your purse – You’d never see a man put his wallet on the floor, yet women put their purses on the floor all the time. Always keep your purse elevated and off the floor. And never, ever, put it on the floor of the restroom.

Keep it clean – Resist the temptation to throw gum or food wrappers, bits of paper or used tissues into your purse. What does it say when you carry trash in the same place as your money?

That I am a scruffy cow?

Mind the change – Avoid throwing change into your purse where it will fall to the bottom of the bag. This is disrespectful to money.

Note – appologize most sincerely to my small change

Be prepared – Carry a small safety pin, a tiny container of dental floss, a small notepad with pen, a small pocketknife, highlighter pen and bottle of eye drops. Little items that make your purse a point of refuge in the world make you love your purse even more. Better still, when someone has a broken zipper they will forever remember you and your purse of wonders! Lastly, carry a $100 bill, but don’t spend it.

Is she serious – a $100 dollar bill? Chance would be a fine thing!

Buy thoughtfully.

Like a bra, never buy a purse just for the fashion name or for how it looks. Make sure the purse hangs on your shoulder comfortably, and like a good bra, stays there. Even better, find a purse (or a bra??) with enough compartments to hold small items like pens, your cell phone, and other items you need to get to quickly.

I have been known to stuff money in my bra for safekeeping – also the odd fag and maybe the odd toast crust, but that was by mistake.

 Avoid wallet clutter –Your money should be easily arranged, not rammed into a wad, and your credit cards should be easily accessible.

Wad? I don’t know about you but it’s a long time since I’ve had a wad of money in my purse. WAD for me stands for World AIDS Day and as for her last piece of advice about easily accessible credit cards, well that is extremely dangerous. If you insist on carrying credit cards around with you my advice is to keep them someplace on your person that is hard to get to – but I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

Pursue love – The No. 1 feng shui rule for your purse? Keep it clean, organized, and off the floor. Your money mojo will be activated and you’ll have more to spend and save. Show some purse love!

© K Weber Communications LLC 2002-2010

Bugger my purse I’m more concerned about my Eye bags to be honest and as for my handbag it has been well and truly chewed by Doodle who is chewing and moulting all over the place (I thought Labradoodles weren’t supposed to moult!). Danelle German of the catty Shack in South Carolina, has come up with an innovative way to deal with unwanted ‘animal companion hair’. she makes attractive handbags using the waste from her grooming business.

We only make handbags at Catty Shack Creations (be careful not to mix your letters up and say Shatty Cack although we have all sorts of requests for other items.”

What you may well ask.

“The quickest way is to have your pet groomed and clipped or shaved and save all of the hair.”

When asked how she came up with the idea –

“I’ve been working with cat hair for over a decade. It seemed a waste to just throw away this never-ending supply of hair. Being in the hot south, we do a lot of lion cuts in the spring and summer months. It is not uncommon for us to be wading through a pile of cat hair a foot deep on a normal Saturday.”

Yuk!

The bags have been more popular than I might have imagined, each one is unique, a one-of-a-kind handbag made from your own pet’s hair just for you.”

If a handbag really does says it all about you perhaps I should knit myself a doodle bag? But as I decided long ago that life was too short to knit maybe I should commission Mrs catty shack to knit the doodle bag for me? If you fancy one yourself visit www.cattyshackcreations.com  but be careful to spell it right – its catty shack and not shatty cack!