ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Alone Again Naturally

Drove Luis to Liverpool airport four o’clock in the morning. It was dark, rainy and depressing, my poor old Mondeo chugging along in the slow lane being overtaken by huge lorries, obscuring our way forward with their onslaught of spray.

I could see Luis’s profile out of the corner of my eye gleaming like an old (well worn) Roman coin, staring out at the black rain, thinking no doubt that he would soon be escaping this hell hole and be back to his Mediterranean roots.

Hmmm – its alright for some I say. I was feeling a bit down, everyone leaving, my sis already gone back to ‘Happy Holland’ and now Luis, will be all alone again apart from Lady Doodle of course. The two of us were silent, listening to the radio, each thinking our separate thoughts. Fittingly on the approach to Liverpool they played Gerry and the Pacemakers, “You’ll never walk alone.”

Drive on… through the wind…. drive on through the rain…. though your dreams be tossed and blown.

When you coming back? I ask Luis. Luis doesn’t know, what with the creeesis and flights being so expensive – am starting to feel quite maudlin.

Drive on…. drive on… with hope in your heart.

Then we saw the sign – PIES IS YOUR DAY scrawled over the motorway bridge in bold Graffiti.

“Que significa pies?” asks Luis.

“You should know what pies are after spending all this time in the north of England, especially in bloody Blackburn where they eat nothing but bloody pies,” I mutter. That’s not strictly true actually but I was feeling a bit grouchy.

“Bluddy Blackburn,” Luis echoes sorrowfully, “Bluddy pies.” See he has learnt a bit of Engleeesh after all these years.

“Meat pies, apple pies, steak and kidney pies,” I reel them off, “meeenced pies, you ate enough of those over the festive season, shepherds pie of course, you favourite, not to mention potato pie.” Luis still no comprende how you can make a pie out of potatoes.

“But what mean pies eeees you day?” Luis is confused dot com.

We both ponder this puzzling conundrum. “Day of the pies? Pies it’s your day – tu dia, dia de las tartas.”

“Dia de las putas (prostitutes)” Luis grunts.

Hee hee…. that makes us both laugh. We are easily amused, even at a sad time like this and the prospect of Luis’s imminent departure.

Talking of tarts, thank God ‘Shameless’ is back, there’s a new episode every night this week, what a treat. That thought cheers me up somewhat.

“Pie in the sky,” I quote to Luis. He thinks I’ve gone all psychedelic and Lucy in the sky with diamonds on him. Well, we are passing through the huge Edward scissor hand blue lights on the approach to John Lennon airport. Check him in, go for a quick pee then get off the rip off car park. HUH! Four quid for a pee.

On the way home on my own now, bit scary, is still dark but the traffic hotting up, all speeding to work. Another fitting golden oldie on the radio, “Alone again naturally,” by Gilbert O’sullivan.

“May as well go home as I did on my own, alone again, naturally.”

Whoops wrong lane on roundabout. Lorry blasting horn at me.

“I remember I cried when my father died not wishing to hide the tears.”

Huge lump comes to throat and can no longer sing along.

“Couldn’t understand why the only man she had ever loved had been taken.”

Bloody hell, don’t understand this roundabout system – more angry tooting. Then I’m on the long black expanse of the M6 heading towards Preston. “Alone again….. Naturally.” Remember that advert, “You’re never alone with a Strand.” Probably not unless you’re as old as me. Those were the days when it was legal to advertise smoking. I light up a calming camel in defiance.

Those were the days before HIV came along to shatter my world.

“Then as if to knock me down…. HIV reality came around.. and without so much as a mere touch cut me up to little pieces…. leaving me to doubt talk about God and his mercy cos’if he really does exist ….why did he desert me ……in my hour of need…. I truly am indeed…. alone again…. naturally.”

Thing is we’re never alone when we’re living with HIV. It comes everywhere with us whether we want it to or not. Not so for HIV services which are being cut left right and centre. Our beloved HIV specialist worker Chi Ko is facing redundancy. What will we do without him? We’ll carry on of course, we’ll have to, but it won’t be the same without him.

Walk on…. walk on….. Look on the bright side. At least us pozzers have each other and there’s the next episode of ‘Shameless’ to look forward to and Lady doodle of course. Talking of Lords and Ladies am off the House of Lords next week with the Sophia network and Poz Fem to highlight HIV issues faced by women in the UK – so time to tighten my activist pants again, they were getting a bit slack and Brigitte Jones like!

Fight on… fight on… with hope in our hearts…. and we’ll never walk alone – we’ll never walk alone.

No, because unless they find a cure, we’ll always have our old friend the HIV virus to accompany us.


  Veritee wrote @

I am sorry you are alone again. While I do not know how this feels when you have HIV as Barry stopped working away since be has HIV as he lost his job through it, for many years nearly 20 of all our married life and before As be worked away at sea for months at a time and only came back at most for 5 to 8 weeks at most I was forever driving him to the airport after all too little time together to wave him back and drive home alone to my dogs and my child.
I used to feel so bereft, so alone and abandoned – every single time – it was awlful.
All I can say is I and others love you. I know it’s no compensation, it never was for me anyway as you can still be alone surliness by friends and aquaintences as this is sondifferent from someone you share intimacy and the intimacy of your life and someone who actually cares for you often more than you do do yourself and visa versa.
But I do care that you are alone
And love to you
Vee xxxxx

  hivine wrote @

Thank you Veritee you are so lovely and caring and I love you too xxx

  Amanda wrote @

I really enjoyed stumbling upon your blog today. Thank you for sharing such powerful stories.

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