ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Archive for June 20, 2010

Nutty but Nice

Are you a secret Kellogg’s crunchy nut addict? I know I am although I haven’t yet resorted to wearing my lap top on my head like that daft man in the advert. I am sitting here with a bag on my head though, you know one of those plastic hoods you stick on the end of your nozzle (hairdryer I mean not nose) and I do sneak around in the middle of the night in my mismatched Jim jams hunting for crunchy nuts.

I have been forbidden by my higher self (as Van the Man would say) from indulging in this nightly practice, but as I am half asleep when the craving hits me the sensible side of my brain (for what it is these days) hasn’t yet woken up. So I arise from my bed like a sleepwalker, usually at dawn‘s early light, sneak down to the kitchen, fill a big bowl full of crunchy nut flakes then take them back up and guzzle them in bed.

This is the nearest I get to enjoying my food these days because the meds tend to make me feel constantly nauseous. There is, it seems, nothing I can do about this. I’ve tried taking the dam things at varying times of the day or the night, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. I suppose I should be used to it by now, but it’s a bit like suffering from a permanent case of morning sickness, unless I’ve had an unusually long confinement of course and I might get a sudden shock like Mimi in the last episode of Shameless. Although eight years is a bit of a long pregnancy by anyone’s standards, even an elephant (almost two years). Then there’s the frilled shark, obviously named because it gets its frills from biting someone’s leg off, or otherwise known as chlamydoselachus anguineus (sounds like a sexually transmitted disease) who is pregnant for forty two months.

I learnt some other interesting facts during my research, did you know for instance that a snail breathes from its foot, an Emperor penguin can be four feet tall – that’s almost as big as me and an oyster can change its gender back and forth. Is that why they are known as aphrodisiacs?

Anyway, back to my crunchy nut addiction, the problem is keeping it a secret, because I make so much racket pouring the flakes out of the packet (new advertising slogan possibly?) I waken the whole household and probably even the neighbours. Who designs this noisy wrapping? Someone who obviously wants to create the optimum racket or wants us crunchy nut addicts to be discovered.

Or is it because, as it says on the box, every flake is fortified with iron? It certainly sounds like it and the clanging of the avalanche of iron coated flakes is particularly noticeable in the hush of dawn when nothing is stirring not even a mouse. Although there might be the odd verminous presence in the semi darkness, following the trail of crunchy nut confetti I have scattered in my wake on the kitchen floor.


But it doesn’t stop there, when I get back into bed, I practically deafen myself crunching the bloody things. Snap crackle and pop is nothing compared to the deafening crunch of a munched cluster of crunchy nut flakes. Another slogan – I obviously missed my true vocation.

Well at least I can console myself with the fact that although my not so secret addiction is fattening, nuts in general are good for me and they allegedly reduce cholesterol, a fact anyone who is on the meds will be interested in. Willo, who isn’t on the meds but lives off nuts and stores them all over the house in Tupperware boxes is doing great for an ageing squirrel (sorry Willo).

I decided to investigate further into the health benefits of nut nibbling and came across this – ‘Welcome to my nuts, upload a sexy photo of yourself and the winner will be featured in NUTS magazine.’ This is obviously a top shelf mag for men or nutty as opposed to nice boys. Like that old time music hall song – “Hold your hand out you nutty boy.”

I carried on with my nut investigation only to find there is some dispute about whether nuts should be called nuts in the first place, because only certain of them are considered to be true nuts. For example, Brazil nuts are not nuts in the biological sense. So why call them nuts I say – as if life isn’t confusing enough as it is, especially when you get to my age.

I think my hair is probably dry now so I can take this pesky bag off my head. As I can’t afford to go to the hairdresser to get my roots done, I did them myself with some moustache bleaching cream (Willos! This is an ‘in’ joke between me and her) so it will be interesting to see the results. And talking of jokes someone sent me what was described as the best blonde joke ever.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cold drink, and then, “he said with a deep sigh………. “Lets put all the cornflakes back in the box.”

This joke might not be as daft as it seems. Apparently the food giant plans to burn the Kellogg’s signature on to individual flakes using a laser and will then insert a proportion of these branded flakes into every box.

Well that will be fun won’t it, I can’t wait – but then again, I am a blonde.