ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Rock-a-Hula Baby

Flipping through a magazine I came across an article by some daft woman journalist entitled – ‘Fat Fiddling’ – in which she writes –

“I’ve just been reading about a new surgery which uses unwanted fat from around the body to boost the size of your boobs. Now I’m not a huge fan of surgery, but if I could give my unwanted fat to someone else then I think they could be on to something. Mind you I’m a bit worried that it could get out of control – imagine all the weird shapes people would end up if they kept moving lumps of fat around their bodies, putting them in their cheekbones whatever – let’s talk.”

OK daft woman journalist, let’s do that, let’s talk, let’s tell it like it is. If you were a woman living with HIV you wouldn’t need surgery in order to move your body fat around, the meds would do it for you, although it might not end up where you wanted it.

In an attempt to do some ‘fat fiddling’ myself, I invested in a hula hoop. The Lord Webber’s brother is a fat fiddler isn’t he, or is that a cello he has between his legs, or maybe as Mae West would say, he’s just pleased to see everyone! Whatever it is, it’s not a hula hoop, although hula hooping is all the rage these days, especially in America after Michelle Obama was photographed exuberantly hula hooping with her daughter. Hooping, as it’s called in the States, must appeal to politicians and their wives because the record for the most hoops twirled simultaneously is 132 and that was set by ‘Dizzy hips’ Blair in November 2009. So that’s what Tony’s up to these days – but then again, he was always good at spinning. Wonder if ‘Busy Lips’ Cherie is a rock-a-hula baby as well?

Those who have caught the hooping as opposed to the HIV bug claim it tones the midriff, boosts your mood, livens up your sex life and provides spiritual enlightenment. None of these things needless to say applies to the HIV bug, which adds fat to the midriff by way of lipodostropy, does absolutely nothing for your mental state and completely ruins your sex life.

Some aficionados have gone one step further and taken up fire hooping. Spokes are set into the outside of the hoop and tipped with wicks, which are soaked in fuel and then lit. Johnny Cash must have invented it because he was always singing about stepping into a burning ring of fire.

But hooping isn’t only happening in America – Oh no. Hoop Man a certain John Parnell who is 55 and from Nuneaton is profiting from the craze by manufacturing hoops as well as running hoop dance classes around the UK. The basic technique of keeping the hula hoop (as well as your knickers) from dropping to your ankles is to bend slightly at the knees then sway back and forth rather than circle the hips. Parnell teaches the Cristobel Zamor method (bet that’s not her real name) otherwise Hoop Girl as she is known in the US, who has devised a form of hula dancing that involves mesmeric spinning whirling and thrusting.

Thrusting? That doesn’t sound very ladylike does it – and you would have to be very confident that your knicker elastic would hold up.

The Nuneaton Hooper (sounds like some kind of kinky pervert) teaches hoopers of all ages and abilities and has sold hoops to people in their eighties – mind you, they haven’t a clue what to do with them. Although in Tahoe California a 102 year old woman recently credited her physical agility to her hula sessions.

In the hooping life – a forthcoming documentary about the craze, a man who suffers from depression tells how the rocking the cradle motion soothes and calms him. Taking up hooping is probably a good idea if you have anti-social leanings or dislike contact with other people, because as Nuneaton Hoop Man correctly points out, when you have a 40in hoop around you no one can encroach on your personnel space.

A woman in the same film enthuses that hoopers say their sex life has improved. Well, hoop hoop hurray for them is all I can say.

However it is deemed unwise to take up hooping if you have back problems or if you are pregnant. Although one pregnant hooper allegedly hulaed for the whole nine months and claims it helped her to tone up after the birth. As she puts it – ‘I’m one sexy hooping momma.’

Another undeniably sexy hooper (although I don’t know about momma) Beyonce claims that hooping keep her abs hard and seriously tones the butt. Even beardy Branson is getting in on the act and Virgin active health clubs now offer hulaerobics classes in their nationwide clubs where advanced hoopers can then graduate to the hula funk class.

The Sacred Circle, a Californian new age hooping organisation describes the ‘whirling sufi dervishness’ of the hula as a tool to access your higher truth. I cannot confirm whether this is truth or fiction, higher or otherwise, as I can’t keep my own particular hoop whirling long enough to find out. This might be because my hula hoop has inbuilt plastic balls which are supposed to give you a massage at the same time, so can be rather painful to say the least. I’m also having a bit of a job keeping it up as the bishop said to the actress because of my lack of hips.

What do you call a hippies wife – Mississippi!

On a more serious note, ‘Hooping for Hope’ is a website for breast cancer survivors which promotes the healing process through encouragement of hope and laughter. Nothing against these brave women (and men who can also suffer from breast cancer) and all the very best to them, but Thrivine our local support group which was nominated for a CVS award, missed out on the much needed cash (by one vote apparently) to a support group for breast cancer survivors.

It’s always the same – HIV unfortunately still suffers from the misguided pre-conception that somehow, unlike breast cancer or other terminal or chronic illnesses, we have brought it upon ourselves.

Here’s ‘hooping’ we are more successful with our next funding venture otherwise we will be forced to fold.

Even though there is money specifically set aside for HIV/AIDS our local council refuses to cough up.

Well ‘hooping’ cough to them and all who sail in her!

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