ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Archive for May 14, 2010

Like a Virgin

Like a virgin

Beardy Branson promised it would be seamless – leave Sky today he beckoned from every magazine page, bill board and flier, we will even write the goodbye letter for you. In the interest of economy I made the call. Never trust a man with a white beard – look at father Christmas, he doesn’t even exist.

But how pleasant the young virgin on the other end of the line, how polite and concerned she appeared to be about my bills, how everyone, even she, was forced to downsize these days to cut the costs. She was so nice I agreed to everything white beard had on offer, even the mobile phone. “The engineers will be there on Saturday to change you over – no you won’t need to do a thing, just relax and enjoy your new package.”

Relax? Virgin woman lied, beardy Branson lied, the changeover was anything but seamless. First the engineer lads from Liverpool tried to escape without giving me the HD box included in the package. Luckily caught them in time before they scuttled off like rats up a drain. Unfortunately they’d gone before I realised my upstairs computer wouldn’t connect to the modem.

“Plug in cable,” bad tempered woman with non comprehendible accent residing on other side of world screamed at me. “But my computer has wireless connection built in. Do I have to have wire trailing from downstairs?” scream back in disgust. Must admit at this point I was a little confused about the difference between a modem and a wireless router – blame it on the meds or my age or both.

“Plug in cable.” she keeps repeating. “Where I plug cable? My computer upstairs. I didn’t have to plug in cable with Sky,” sulk petulantly, “And can you please put another virgin person on. I don’t like your attitude, besides which I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

Next virgin even more bad tempered than first. “Have to buy wireless router?” I ask horrified. “We are putting wireless router in post you silly old not computer literate English woman.”

She didn’t actually say that, but it was obvious that’s what she was thinking.

“How long have to wait?” I enquire. “Four to five days,” bad tempered virgin informs me. “But beardy promised changeover would be seamless. Now will be left without computer for five days. This unthinkable want to speak to complaints department.”

“Complaints department closed madam.”

“Closed? When open?”

“Monday.”

“Monday?” scream. “Right, that’s it, I want to cancel package right now. Don’t want to be a Virgin anymore, want to go back to nice trusty dependable sky.”

“Must call back Monday.”

Finally, five virgins later got nice Scottish man with almost comprehendible accent. Turned out I needed a separate wireless router which Liverpool lads weren’t allowed to install or even carry in van for some legal reason about not touching new virgin customer’s computers.

Result was I’ve been offline for a week, hence no activity on blog or anywhere else for that matter. I now shudder at the sight of red. Everything to do with Virgin red. Seeing red. Red rag to a bull. Even gone off the red ribbon because it’s bloody red, besides which I’ve been turned down for the positive women twinning programme for this years International AIDS conference. Will not be going to Vienna after all, only women from the eastern block, not women from the northern block as in Blackburn with Darwen. Us northern pozzers are out of the picture, but at least our support group thrivine got funding for the Positive Picture.

Talking of pictures, have to say my new HD TV is fantastic. Maybe I should approach Beardy for funding? I’ll write him a note and send it up the chimney. And just to be on the safe side, in case he’s reading this, actually now I’m finally online, the mobile cancelled and the picture absolutely brilliant it was worth the changeover after all. Added to which customer services called me today and as a good will gesture knocked 25 quid off my first bill.

Like a virgin? – yes, I do.