ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Archive for February, 2010

Band of Gold

Tell me you haven’t fallen for it?

Of course not.

Tis big scam.

I know that.

You have, haven’t you?

Well, twas only old wedding ring, anyway had it shrunk years ago to fit little finger till found out meant you were gay.

You very stoopid sister, which one you do?

Can’t honestly remember – was it ‘Cash my Gold’ – ‘Postal Gold’ – ‘Gold for Idiots’ – ‘Goldblinger’ – isn’t really one called that but maybe good idea.

Actually, think it was one with Dale Winton. Trust him cos he has regular job on Init to Winnit, innit? And pick of pops. He doesn’t need to make extra money doing adverts. Wasn’t his mother famous film star with brassy blonde hair like Diana Dors? – and me! I have also now brassy blonde locks after taking up colour discount offer at hairdressers. Fine example of, you get what you pay for – and nother reason why needed instant cash.

“I sold my old wedding ring and got more money than I ever hoped for.”

“I sold my gold and got two tickets for World cup” – what he sell, gold bar?

I sold my old wedding ring and got 22 pounds fifty – and brassy locks.

Should have spent money in Aldi or Lidl or Chinese Takeaway. Was just about enough for a Mr Wok as opposed to a Mr Wonderful. Never did find a Mr Wonderful, that’s why sold old wedding ring. Didn’t want to pass it on to son if he ever gets wed for fear of passing on bad luck. cue for a song

“When your old wedding ring was new” – have to sing it like Billy Connelly when impersonating drunk in Glasgow pub.

Not much chance of finding Mr Wonderful, or pot of gold at end of rainbow, or heart of gold now at my age or in my condition – anyway, don’t want to pass condition on either.

cue for nother song

I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold – keeps me searching for a heart of gold – and I’m getting old.

Talking of condition am about to change meds again. Doc said was at high risk of heart attack and that’s not just because of butter and smoking fixation. Meds cause high cholesterol. Have been saying that all along but doc in denial. Finally admitted could be Kivexa so am changing combination to Truvada. Who comes up with names for these drugs? Kivexa sounds like posh girl’s name.

“Kivexa, go to your room immediately.”

“Truvada, I’ve told you a million times daddy can’t afford to buy you another pony.”

Kivexa bright orange colour. Who in charge of colour mix additives for meds? Need other more modern minimalist designer on job – all combinations neutral to match carpets.

Truvada blue – better than orange I suppose. Maybe will stop looking like been I’ve been tangoed.

“Will it make eyes blue again instead of yellow?” ask doc.

Not laughs doc – prescribes more statins to lower cholesterol, more pills to combat sleep disorder possible side effect of meds, more pills for stomach problems definitely caused by meds. tis like nursery rhyme –

there was an old lady who swallowed a fly I don’t know why she swallowed a fly perhaps she die.

there was an old lady who swallowed a spider

that wriggled and wiggled and tiggled inside her

she swallowed the spider to catch the fly

I don’t know why she swallowed the fly

Opportune moment to plug my autobiography –

“The Spider and the Fly” by Adrienne Seed

for sale on lulu

www.lulu.com

Am looking at new pill now, is size of horse pill. Who comes up with size chart for pills? Definitely need minimalist designer on job to make them more minimal for people who can’t swallow horse pills.

There was an old lady who swallowed a horse – she’s dead of course.

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Tea and Sympathy

Just when you think things can’t get any worse – they do.
 
I was on my way out the door (running late) en route to our “Taking the ‘T’ out of Stigma” tea party and official opening for our Thrivine HIV support group, laden with cucumber sandwiches and artistically decorated fairy cakes.
 
Son rushes in – has reversed into bumper of four wheel drive, woman going nuts apparently, said bumper was hanging off (slight exaggeration on her part) needed insurance certificate. Gave him what I thought was latest and headed off with Willo.
 
 
 
 
Get there, about to go in, mobile rings, demented woman saying wrong certificate – outdated.
 
Can’t deal with it now, have function, can I ring you later – no can’t, need it now this minute – but no can do, am about to meet and greet guests. Need it now this minute. Will get it for you five o’clock – No good, need it right now – Sorry, as explained, have to meet and greet guests, very important guests, holy men, canon from cathedral, politicians (don’t now why said that) Mayor of Blackburn (that was lie on my part).
 
Demented Woman – scream, scream, scream, down phone at me – am now in tears. Tears dripping on cucumber sandwiches, luckily are wrapped in cling film. In end had to hang up on her as ‘important’ people arriving in droves.
 
Had filthy rollup first to calm nerves, have run out of camel.
 
 
 
 
Then had to put on brave face and be sociable. Am fed up of putting brave face on, am fed up of being sociable. In fact, am fed up to back teeth of HIV and everything to do with it. Want to be cosseted housewife with kind husband (preferably rich) to make tea for, or better still to make tea for me.
 
Tea party very successful though.
 
 
Think it did job and helped to reduce HIV related stigma, but way I feel right now don’t bloody care. Stigma can take care of bloody self.
 
Wish car would, but lots of money can’t afford to get it through MOT. Then had to pay road tax. Have to do “Taking the ‘T’ out of Tax” party to pay for it or “Taking the ‘T’ out of Shit” party – as in life.
 
In need of some tea and sympathy. Maybe just take calming cup of tea by self and forget about all the rest – at least for today.
 
 Tea cup half full or half empty? That is the question – would definitely say half empty today. 

Somebody better take that knife off me!!

 

He’s a little teapot short and stout here’s his handle – but wheres his spout!