ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Miss Piggy

miss piggy square

Well, was it or wasn’t it?

Decided to take matters in own hands and do the NHS online test to find out. First had to clarify if patient was suffering from any of the following conditions – difficult to wake, floppy, limp, can’t finish a sentence, grunting. Grunting? I’m surprised they didn’t ask has patient suddenly turned pink and sprouted a spirally tail. Clicked no, even though on a bad day any one of these conditions, apart from a spirally tail, could apply to me, especially the difficult to wake bit and even the grunting if I am displeased with something, which is quite often the case these days, especially with all these new rules relating to HIV patients no longer being able to refer to their specialist about anything that is not directly HIV related – which is absolute tonterias as the Spanish would say, as most of our ailments are.

The online diagnosis continues – does the patient have at least two of the following flu like symptoms – sore throat, yes, cough, diahorrea, muscle and joint aches, temperature – yes yes yes yes – continue.

Now please type in name age address and telephone number.
Oh no, was yet another scam aimed at extracting personal details or that pesky bloke Eon again who keeps asking me if I fancy a change – continue.

Can patient touch chin to chest or have clusters of tiny purple spots – yes, patient can touch chest easy peasy with double chin and turkey neck and yes, does have magnificent purple rash under bosoms caused by meds, or at least that’s what patient thought it was – clicked no so as not to confuse the issue.

An antiviral treatment is not recommended for this patient.


Although good to hear, still wasn’t entirely convinced. I know what you are thinking, that like the rest of the nation I have become obsessed with Swine Flu and am probably a hypochondriac. A hypochondriac – moi? But like Miss Piggy I was not impressed with their diagnosis. The interrogation wasn’t thorough enough as far as I was concerned, but they did offer a final note of advice.

As well as showing flu symptoms the patient requires further assessment.

See, da – da – as Miss Piggy would say with a head butt and a firm nudge with her dimpled elbow, I knew it.

Print out the result was ordered and show to doctor

No, this cannot do, have no ink in printer and cannot afford new cartridge, so not an option. Felt need to investigate further so clicked on test, but that was some rubbish about not getting confused with chimneys. As if – confused moi?

A more serious source of information revealed that the symptoms of Swine Flu are when flu like symptoms improve but then return with fever and worse cough. Well isn’t that what had happened to me? Off I went back to docs.

Well is it or isn’t it?

“Chest infection,” doc pronounces with forced smile – is very wary of me now after last visit when head to head confrontation took place and doc and Miss Piggy a.k.a. moi nearly came to blows over his statement that HIV was like any other chronic illness.
“What about the associated HIV stigma which prevents us from getting jobs, mortgages, travelling to America, finding a partner, having children to name but a few?”
“People with other chronic illnesses such as rheumatoid arthritis also suffer from stigma,” doc sticks to medical guns.
“Yes, but (didn’t actually say this in these exact terms said it more politely) their disease doesn’t stop people from shagging them does it?” Miss Piggy can be quite foul mouthed at times. “And they don’t have to take toxic medicine every day which rots bones and changes body shape not to mention causes severe depression.”
Doc told me was contributing to stigma by talking in this manner and informed me had people waiting in surgery – in other words was asked to leave. Flounced out like Miss Piggy in high dudgeon shedding tears of heartfelt frustration that doc couldn’t comprehend ‘one’s’ situation, which is not good news as positive people now have to depend on family doctors and not HIV specialists for ongoing conditions.

This time doc trying to be more understanding and diplomatic whilst studiously avoiding encendiary subject of HIV, examines chest and prescribes more antibiotics, stronger ones.
“Last ones obviously didn’t work,” I mutter wryly.
“They were for ‘tricky something or other’” he says somewhat defensively.
Why didn’t he just give me the right ones in the first place ‘one’ wonders? My HIV specialist who knows ‘one’s’ medical history and ‘one’s’ particular weakness where chest infections are concerned would have done.

“How do you actually know it’s not swine flu then?” I asked him on way out, “Is it the question relating to purple rash and touching chest with chin?”
“No that’s for meningitis,” he shakes medical head.
“Well apart from those two symptoms on the NHS online test I have or have had all the other things.”
“Oh it’s all jolly good fun, isn’t it?” he chuckles.

Think doc has seriously lost plot, maybe has contracted swine flu himself or mad doctor’s disease. I thought doctors were supposed to know what they were doing. Aren’t they supposed to give you a swab test or something, otherwise how will they ever know if it was swine flu or not?

A friend of mine was told that her grandson might have swine flu because he had a very high temperature, sore throat etc. Could well be their doctor advised so keep him isolated just in case. Turns out he didn’t have it, or at least he is now recovering from whatever it was, but how do they know that it wasn’t swine flu if there is no direct test?

No wonder the country is a in a total panic. As if life isn’t complicated enough without pigs putting their infected trotters in it – and I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t need anymore complications in my life. Living with the virus I’ve already got is quite enough thank you very much without contracting another one – especially from a pig. I tend to plump for the easy options these days and to quote my heroine Miss Piggy, my ultimate ambition is to live a simple life with the frog I love. I just have to find one first – trouble is thanks to HIV, no one, not even a frog and least of all a prince would want to kiss me.




  Jennie wrote @

Life’s not easy at all when your HIV positive, i cant believe your doctor referred to it being just the same as any other chronic illness, i have never heard such bulls**t pardon my language, i feel very strongly that all people in a medical profession nurses, doctors, dentists etc need educating more when it comes to HIV, some of the experiences iv had due to the lack of knowledge on this subject and pure ignorance have been to say the least very upsetting.

  Loraine wrote @

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: “if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”

Lion says: “if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me.”

Pig says: “big deal…. I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh!ts itself.”

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