ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Pricks and Stones

nurse small

What a terrible week – spent most of it at the hospital. First went for bloods, should have gone last week but ‘fainty fainty’ nurse on duty and didn’t fancy passing out again like time was wearing red shoes and thought was Dorothy out of Wizard of Oz. Added to which winner of Star Awards and staff Oscars the lovely Janet Lace was on well deserved holiday in Florida, basking in glory no doubt and HIV specialist off in Tenerife. Felt abandoned, orphaned – as though mum and dad had run off and left me, so wimped out, doesn’t take much.

Returned to GUM clinic as promised but woman before me also did Dorothy and wasn’t even ‘fainty fainty’ nurse doing bloods, it was nice blonde one. Next day dreaded colposcopy clinic – enough said. Went to bed that night commenting to Luis and son, thank God didn’t have to go to hospital next day, but was roused from peaceful slumbers at six thirty in morning by loud banging on bedroom door, Luis in underpants clutching stomach in agony and telling me to call urgencias directamente. Next thing has fallen over on floor and can’t get up. Look for phone, no charge, luckily find one downstairs under cushion on son’s chair that still has semblance of battery. Call 999 – woman on phone tells me won’t get anywhere by shouting at her – not shouting I scream, am in panic, meanwhile Luis calling her all names under sun and shouting as only Spanish can to get a bloody or some equivalent Spanish swearword move on. Woman tells me to roll him on side in case vomits and remove false teeth, but luckily doesn’t apply as is still minus front teeth, even though said was forbidden to come back to these shores again till got some. Anyway, find cannot move him in any direction or get him off floor.

Am not stuff of which nurses are made – too squeamish. Hope don’t do sudden Dorothy and pass out on him, then will be two on floor – roll over, roll over.

Ambulance arrives with screech of sirens and flashing lights; two incredible hulks in dashing green overalls run up stairs, one is Australian and quite handsome have to say. Try to translate what seems to be problem but have no idea what is, anyway have no breath. “Calm yirsilf  down,” advises handsome Australian, but at least doesn’t call me Sheila. Cannot calm down, flap around in nightie wringing hands like Lady Macbeth. Other hulk moves chairs tables computers from obstacle course of tiny sitting room so can get Luis downstairs. “Does he hiff  innny shoes?” asks Australian. Stick  son’s slippers on feet which are six sixes too big. Wish at this point Luis was wearing pyjamas, or pick hammers as pronounced in espanol. Handsome Australian enquires if am coming in ambulance to translate. “Am wearing nightie,” point out. “Tis not fashion parade,” is Aussies harsh response, at which point go off him somewhat.

Throw on some clothes and follow ambulance in car – no time for cup of tea or calming camel. At A&E Luis already rolling around on bed calling everyone conyos.

“Hallucinating,” I tell nurses, “Think means yo yos.” Make yo yoing motions with hands. Nurses give me puzzled looks. Ask doctor what thinks is wrong?

 “Could be appendicitis,” replies, pressing down on Luis’s stomach.

“Conyo,” Luis spits up at him.

“Has he moved bowels?” asks nurse. Can’t think for life of me how to say that in Spanish, instead point to own bottom. Doctor and nurses now think am raving mad. Am raving mad by this time thinking Luis about to pop clogs on me, but not wearing clogs remind myself, is wearing son’s oversized slippers.

Luis given morphine injection and plastic tube stuck in vein in case have to operate. Leave room at this point as feel Dorthothy coming on. Luis not happy – doesn’t want to be operado on.  Help him stagger to loo with what looks like gravy boat to get sample. Will never be able to look at Bisto in same light ever again. Wheel him off in wheelchair for X ray then to assessment ward.

Have to go back home as need to take meds and in rush didn’t think to bring them with me. Remembered Camels and lighter though.

“Caltheteenies y can than theee yos,” he shouts after me.

Oh no, not talking about yo yos again. Too many yo’s in Spanish language and too much lisping for my liking. Wonder if have time to nip into Asda to buy him some pick hammers and some new socks, were on roll back last time was there, five pairs for two pounds.

Underpants and concertinas, I make a mental note.  

When I get back Luis is chatting away in Hingleesh to nurses who are fascinated by fact lives in Ibiza, nurses off on holiday to San Antonio next week.

“What’s weather like?” they enquire.

“Very khot,” Luis or Louise as they pronounce it like the girl’s name tells them, “Too very Khot.” 

And can he khav some agua?

“Fraid not, which are the best clubs to go to?”

In-between waiting for doctor to turn up, in order to pass time, decide to improve Spanish by learning medical terms and words for basic bodily functions.

“Khow,” I ask him, “You say going for pee in castellano?” that’s the King’s Spanish.

“Meow me,” Luis croaks through parched lips. Must be hallucinating again – thinks he is cat now.

“I do beg your pardon?” I respond using Queen’s Hinglish.

“Mear me,” Luis growls. (Since found out that is Spanish verb to pee.)

“No they’re not, no one is going to murder anyone,” I patiently reassure him. “Hinglish doctors very good,” although we haven’t actually seen a Hinglish one yet.

Try to give Luis Hinglish lesson in return in case has to stay in khospital.

 “In Queen’s Hinglish,” I explain, “we say going to lavatory. Ninos say need to make pee pee or I going to little boy’s room. If mooohair (woman) say am going to powder nose, although in Ibiza more likely to mean going to put powder up nose. Hombre, he sometime say, am going for Jimmy Riddle or to point Percy at porcelain.”

“Point perthy at porthelain,” he slowly repeats. Think might get into trouble saying that, especially in Blackburn, so quickly rack brains for another. “This one much better exhemplo,” tell him, “Am going to make room for more cerveza.”

He likes that one and in return tells me equivalent expression in Spanish about taking the yellow out of the canary. Think morphine is taking affect.

Leave him to chuckle away to self whilst read magazine. Article about Bebo, social networking website was not aware of. Not another one – can hardly cope with one’s I’ve got, especially Twitter.  Article all about new teen slang. Discover ‘pee’ means money and ‘piff’ means good. Thought piff was stuff that went round oranges or Spanish person pronouncing piss. As if life wasn’t confusing enough.

Turns out to be Kidney stones. Apparently kidney stones run in Luis’s family. Has rich cousin who because lived too well acquired huge stones, although not diamonds in this particular case, which still keeps in jar.

 “By door with face like Eleanor Rigby?” I joke, but joke falls on kidney stony ground.

Son has dropped me back at khospital because needed car, so tell him to pick me up at Triage department. Make him repeat several times so doesn’t forget, but still does. When comes back for me gets lost and asks for widgery department. Not sure how he made connection – sounds like something to do with budgies. Maybe like me has been spending too much time messing around on face book and Twitter. Luis looking and walking more like penguin than budgie- is ecstatic when doctor says can come home for night, but must return next day for ultrasound and more x rays. Has apparently passed stone which accounted for extreme pain and the fact that now walks like a Penguin.

Go back next day to widgery department. Luis dons fetching blue gown and sits waiting for nurse sporting new concertinas looking like cross between ageing Ray Davis from Kinks and Al Pacino. Always fancied Al Pacino and Ray Davies and Luis for that matter – even without teeth.

“Did it hurt?” I ask when reappears.

“Put khell on me,” he shakes head dramatically.

Thought was complaining again, but meant rubbed him with gel for ultrasound.

Results revealed no more stones, at least no big ones, so can come home.

Wearing Burberry raincoat and relieved expression, lights stinky Habanos as soon as gets out of door. Now looks like scruffy detective Colombo.

Anyway, hopefully that’s an end to it all. Was terrible experience and am sick to back teeth of hospitals and discussing bodily functions, either in Spanish or Hinglish. Just think, if you persevere and keep reading my blogs you will be able to speakee spangleesh likee me.  Khav to say was very proud of Hinglish Khospital and much aligned NHS, so muchas gracias a todos, especially the lovely nurses and doctors and not forgetting the incredible hulk of course, the handsome paramedic from down under.


  Niccky wrote @

Most expensive Adrienne in the first place excuse the my English who not e’ between the best ones. Your works me piacciono tantissimo, the strong colors that it uses, e’ many gradevole. I have found to you for case, and I have tried of metterti between all my contacts, a great salute of heart. Niccky

  Radio activist- Viv wrote @

Poor old Luis – glad he’s feeling better. Loved this blog Adrienne, one of your funniest to date. Good old NHS comes through shining yet again as do you! (What is Niccky saying?)

  Willo wrote @

Couldn’t put it more succincly than Viv, who says it all in those few words – and I’m still chuckling – even though the seriousness of the situation doesn’t escape me, especially seeing Luis in so much pain.

  Niccky wrote @

Hi Adrienne I have allready contakted Silvia on the forum,thank you for your tip and your friendship, i really happy and proud to be part of this international community
of incredible women.

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