ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Blackpool Rocks

Sand Mandala - Body Positive North West

Sand Mandala - Body Positive North West

There’s a famous seaside town called Blackpool
What’s famous for fresh air and fun
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with Albert their son……..
 
 
 
 
 
Well, my name’s not Ramsbottom, or any animal’s bottom for that matter and sadly, or gladly, depending on which way you want to look at it, neither am I a Mrs anything anymore – nor, and once again depending on which way you want to look at it (i.e. a tad sadly in my case) is there a current male bottom of any kind on the scene at the moment, mores the pity, or even on the distant horizon, Blackpool’s or otherwise.
 
And in regard to my own bottom, I’d much rather you didn’t look at it at all, if you don’t mind. Although, if I had to be named after any kind of bottom, I would rather it be after my own, thanks very much, even though it doesn’t amount to much these days due to the wasting properties of the meds, so lippobottom or even lesserbottom springs directly to mind. But please, although it may well be the case; never call me oldbottom, even if like some posh people you pronounce it both-hum, because it doesn’t sound right, unless you are asking two people to sing at the same time of course.
 
However, bottoms aside, as the actress said to the bishop, on two separate occasions recently I’ve had cause to visit that very same seaside town, what’s famous for fresh air and fun, where the air was certainly fresh (freezing in fact) and on both occasions fun was definitely had. Even though I didn’t bump into a single rams bottom, although I did manage to brush cheeks so to speak with quite a number of human bottoms, as despite the freezing severity of the night, a disproportionate amount of oversized bottoms were waddling around gazing in wonderment at the lights. But not a sight nor sound of young Albert with his stick with the horses head handle, who thanks to being eaten by a lion on his previous visit to Blackpool, was of course nowhere to be found.
 
I realise at this point that unless you are familiar with the actor and poet Stanley Holloway’s famous monologues, you won’t have a clue what I’m talking about, but I’m sure that regular readers of my blog will often have had cause to experience that same complaint. If you are indeed familiar with the highly comical monologue, ‘Albert and the Lion,’ you will see how it was cleverly adapted by me in relation to my two timing bar fly of an ex husband, although it has to be said, unlike Stanley Holloway’s version, he didn’t find it particularly amusing at the time, especially my comparison of him to the grumpy old lion Wallace as he lay growling in his cage; –
 
‘He lay in a som-no-lent posture with the side of ‘is face on the bar,’ which was a common enough occurrence and the favourite posture of my ex when he was enjoying a night out on the town. The same applies to his drunken dalliances with women of the night and one in particular called Alice; –
 
 ‘So straightway the blind drunken feller, not showin’ a morsel of fear, took ‘is prick with the ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle and stuck it in Alice’s ear.’

It’s no wonder, really, my ex no longer wants anything to do with me – and I have to agree that the feeling is entirely mutual.

On a far more serious note, my first visit to Blackpool had nothing whatsoever to do with sticks, not even of rock, or whores or horses heads handles, or my ex husband thankfully and more to do with spiritual matters. But unlike him and his fellow alcoholic counterparts the Ramsbottoms, not a drop of ale passed our lips, or even a freshly cut sandwich if there is such a thing to be found in Blackpool these days, although we did later enjoy a toasted teacake at a typical seafront cafe. Our excursion to Blackpool was to dismantle the sand mandala we had so painstaking and lovingly created over the course of several weekend mandala workshops at Body Positive with our resident Buddha Jan Mojsa of ‘Jandala’ fame and cast it back into the sea, from whence it came. This is to remind one of the impermanence of material possessions and of art, as great as those masterpieces may be (our beautiful mandala included) and indeed of life itself in the ongoing circle of creation.

We dutifully bought a bucket and spade from a sea front vendor in honour of the occasion and then ritualistically swept the now rain spattered mandala into the bright green bucket and solemnly walked it to the edge of the wave battered shore, where we stood for a moment and gazed in meditative contemplation at the pounding ugly brown rollers. Another ugly brown roller (and sorry but Boxers are hardly what you would describe as the prettiest of the canine species) in the form of Cath’s rather eccentric dog Lara, who was lolloping around in the muddy shallows and who had been present at several of our mandala workshops, therefore it was only fitting that she should be there, rushed barking madly (which is probably where the expression comes from) into the sea, trying to catch the sand in her slobbery chops as we each symbolically tossed a handful into the greedy churning rollers. I have to say it was a very moving moment, especially when Lara assumed a yogic pose, squatting directly at my feet, then politely shat on my shoe. This, although causing great hilarity to the other members of the group, was taken all in good stead by me, the owner of the shitty shoe, who saw it as yet another example of the mandala philosophy, as in what goes round comes round – or if one is having a particularly bad day, that life, after all and more often than not, especially if you have HIV, is full of shit – in more ways than one.

The second trip to Blackpool was an excursion on behalf of the hivine group, a support group I run in Blackburn for positive women, to see the lights or the illuminations as they’re called up here, for which my son Ben duly acted as chauffer.

There’s a famous seaside place called Blackpool
That’s noted for fresh air and fun
And me and tut girls fromt group th’ivine
Went there with young Ben my son

We left the car in a huge puddle on the windswept and desolate car park at Squire’s gate, or Stargate as Ben with his predilection for science fiction kept calling it and then boarded a tram, which transported us regally along the illuminated glory of the golden mile. Not that we could see anything out of the windows as they were all steamed up by the breath of shrieking children, who if their doting mothers and fathers had had anything about them, would have already been fed, like young Albert, to the lions. We got off at the tower and then walked, or should I say were blown along the prom, where in order to escape the biting wind we recklessly entered an amusement arcade and played on the slot machines, which was a bit like watching my new tefl actifry which I’d recently had cause to invest in, in an attempt at lowering my cholesterol without, heaven forefend, having to give up chips. It’s a brilliant invention I have to say and well worth the money; the chips taste just like real chips, even though they are cooked with only a teaspoon of olive oil and you can watch them slithering around and trying to mount each other or push each other out of the way to your heart’s content, just like one of those machines in the arcade we were wasting all our two penny coins on.

Arm in arm, we then braved the pier and watched people subjecting themselves to the ultimate in torture, as least as far as I was concerned, of being strapped in a row of seats, which defying gravity, were thrust upwards to almost touch the frozen starry sky and then swung from side to side and round and round like a sack of onions. Then finally, and because no trip to Blackpool would be complete without it, we indulged in the obligatory bag of fish and chips, although to be honest we cheated and had them served on a plate. This was followed by the fitting desert of huge bag of pink candy floss each as we hustled our way back along the prom. We did stop at one point at a stall to purchase some Blackpool rock, although I must say, in my day rock came in the shape of a stick and not in the shape of a man’s or a woman’s genitalia. I was quite shocked, I must admit, by the row after row of huge bright pink bosoms with cherry red nipples, all of varying shapes and sizes according to one’s preference presumably and the lines of red and black, hard or wobbly, men’s willies, once again presumably according to one’s preference – and there was even a complete version of a woman’s front bottom, a fluorescent fandango no less, which looked to my eyes and by its lurid colour, like it was suffering from some kind of STI.

And then, frozen to the bone, thankfully it was time to go home. Unlike the Ramsbottoms we declined the option of paying up to go in to the zoo, as for one reason it was closed and anyway, we’d already had plenty enough to laugh about, as th’ocean waves weren’t exactly small and piddlin, although by this time we were all desperate for one. It costs twenty pence by the way to go for a pee in Blackpool – daylight robbery I say. Anyway, for all my son is a veritable pain in my side at times, I didn’t relish the prospect of him being eaten by a lion, even though he wasn’t exactly dressed in his cap and his Sunday best, unless you count his favourite baggy jeans and his baseball cap, which thankfully he’d left at home. Had that of happened, I think like Albert’s mother I would have been most vexed and acted exactly like she did by exclaiming to the magistrate – “Wot, spend all mi life raisin’ children to feed ruddy lions? Not me!”

Although, on saying that, at times, as I’m sure any over stressed mother will verify, it sounds like not such a bad idea – and let’s be honest mums and dads, it would be far cheaper in the long run, with or without (as in the case of the Ramsbottoms) compensation.

 

3 Comments»

  Kopek wrote @

Just for reacting about the Actifry I have made a website about this fabulous gadget, take a look here Actifry FZ7000 most of the site is french but videos are in english.

  norbreck castle wrote @

LOVE BLACKPOOL

  Samuel Gambaiani wrote @

Of course, what a great site and informative posts, I will add backlink – bookmark this site? Regards, Reader


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