ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Archive for February, 2008

WATCHING YOUR ASS-ETS

 

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                                                                                                                                                                     Looking after your assets, or as the Americans would say, watching your assets as in ass without the ‘sets’, is very important in these days of rising inflation and the ever soaring cost of living, but it is particularly important for people living with HIV as we have to look after the assets we’ve got as we’re not likely to get anymore, especially in regard to health.
Due to my recent bout of poverty, caused in the main by the last of my remaining assets getting together and deciding to pack up at the same time (see last blog) I have been reduced to cooking on a shoestring and there have been times when things have got so bad, I’ve even considered cooking with one, but unfortunately there were only trainers to be found in the shoe cupboard.

At the height of this bleak period of famine and pestilence (the pest pertaining directly to my son) my cousin sent me one of those round robin emails, the idea being that everyone added an old family recipe. I didn’t have any that immediately sprang to mind, apart from sugar butties or spam fritters and chips, so off I went to the library to rifle through the shelves of cookery books, intending to cheat by suddenly claiming to be a long lost relation of Jamie Oliver or the naked chef, the latter probably being the most likely option. I have not cooked with anything akin to pleasure since the days of running, or attempting to run a restaurant in Portugal with my ex husband, which needless to say was enough to put me off both cooking and marriage for life, so some of the titles of the books were a trifle (no pun intended) disconcerting to say the least. ‘Cooking for Fun’ for instance – were they being serious? No way, at least not with my ex husband, or in Portugal for that matter where everyone suffers from a congenital condition known as ‘suadade’, in other words manic depression. Other glossy manuals sported titles like, ‘Cooking for loss of Libido’ or ‘Cook Yourself Thin’, the message of that particular culinary bible being you can never be too thin. Someone should tell them such comments do not apply if you have HIV.

I did not find anything in direct relation to HIV/AIDS so decided there was a definite gap in the market and would write my own cookery book, which could then be added to the blog and based on my Christian name, would be called ‘Cooking with AIDS.’

As my cooking skills are virtually nil I was forced to call upon an old friend of mine, a chef or ‘soul cook’ as she likes to be called, who trained at La Poppotte in Chelsea in the sixties where she cooked for the likes of Princess Margaret and Rudolph Nureyev. But we needed to come up with an appropriate and catchy name for her, such as the ‘Naked Chefess’ or ‘One Fat Lady,’ as she definitely didn’t come under the heading of ‘Hairy Biker’ – at least not the last time I saw her. The only title which seemed to fit the bill was the ‘Lancashire Hot Pot’, as she was definitely one of those in her time. As she is a chefess who likes to sing as she works and can often be found cooking naked if the mood, her hormones or the weather takes her, as well as having the ability to knock out wonderful steak and kidney pies, her theme tune could be, ‘The Look of Love,’ as in, the look of love is in your pies. Her slogan could be ‘cooking to die for,’ although not literally of course.

Cooking can also be a very useful tool for the counsellor, as you can tell a lot about a person by their recipe book or what’s on their menu that particular night. Freud knew this only too well, but did you know that as well as being a psychiatrist, Freud was also a cook who possibly learnt his culinary skills in Ireland, or at least left his culinary legacy to the B&B’s of Southern Ireland, because they’re always asking if you’d like a Freud breakfast and would you like Freud bread with your Freud eggs – and it is also rumoured that he may also have had something to do with Kentucky Freud chicken.

As Freud was very interested in libido and matters of a sexual nature, I went directly to askmen.com and typed in loss of libido to see what advice they had to offer and came up with some interesting information under the heading of ‘food for loss of libido’. Were you aware, for example, that celery contains androsterone, an odourless hormone released through male perspiration which turns women on. I thought, according to popular myth, that women were more turned on by salary than celery, but you live and learn.

This led on to the interesting ritual of shucking a raw oyster, which sounds a bit rude to me and not something I would like to engage in. Shucking is apparently very erotic (well, hello!) and we should all try to incorporate it into our foreplay, the advice being to first squeeze on some lemon (exactly where it didn’t say) and then start shucking away. Then there was my old favourite, or used to be my old favourite, the Avocado. The Aztecs called the avocado tree ‘ahuacati’ or ‘testicle tree’ because they look like that part of the body – well I don’t know about you, but I will never look at avocado in the same light ever again. The avocados on the shelves at Asda are unlike any testicles I’ve ever seen, although of course I don’t profess to be a world expert on the matter, but those to be found nestling cosily in their plastic pouches, or neatly strung together in bags of net, are either bright green in colour or shiny, black and bobbly and usually with a sign close by warning you not to touch in order to discourage you from squeezing them. What kind of message does that give out in regard to testicles I’d like to know – and worse still, what are we supposed to do now about guacamole? For my part I’ll never be able to attack an avocado with a pestle and mortar ever again, or put a pair of them in the blender.

And staying with testicles, another supposed aphrodisiac was to chop up your nuts and add them to your ice cream – ouch, or decorate it with some Graham wafers – who’s Graham when he’s at home? Cooking together in the nude with your partner was also a suggestion, but you’d have to watch out for his libido and perhaps encourage him to wear an apron, as it could certainly cause some Lancashire hot spots on his avocados if you weren’t careful.

This enlightening little article on food to enhance your sex life came to a close with, ‘Now you know what your body needs to increase your libido, head down to your local supermarket and fill your shopping cart with all the ingredients you need for better sex.’

Well, I’ve just come back from Asda and my trolley probably says all there is to know about me and my non existent sex life, because the only items it contained were the usual selection of roll back goods on offer this week, including various cheating cook in sauces, fairy liquid two for the price of one, cling film and that disgusting cholesterol lowering spread. I did however add a certain Mr Sheen, who might come in handy under the circumstances.