ADRIENNE'S HIV BLOG – Hivine's Weblog

HIVINE is written by HIV positive women but still with a sense of humour

Archive for January 8, 2008

HGV’s n HIV’s

A brand New Year and interesting things are happening at Body Positive North West where a new one minute POC (Point of Care) HIV testing facility will soon be available. This is great news, because aside from saving lives, it will also give people the chance to take an HIV test without the usual torment of the three week wait for the results. Apparently, according to a recent pilot survey conducted down south where long distance lorry drivers (not pilots!) were targeted in lay byes and asked if they would subject themselves to the one minute test, most drivers agreed to take part. All well and good but I wouldn’t liked to have been driving on the same motorway had any one of those HGV drivers tested HIV positive. Who and where will they think of targeting next one wonders – the drive in at Macdonalds perhaps?

Talking of HGV’s as opposed to HIV’s reminds me of the time I first disclosed my positive status to my fellow counselling students. Afterwards, driving home, I was starting to regret my irrevocable action, thinking that I could never take it back and from that day forth they would never look at me in the same light, ever again. Would they still want to have anything to do with me I tortured myself – or even sit next to me for that matter? I was so immersed in these negative thought patterns that when I approached a road junction and saw a huge sign up ordering HGVs to take Peel street, I was so paranoid and worried about becoming a social outcast, even on the roads, I thought it meant HIV’s – so I did.

The sales rep for the one minute test, who was sporting a fabulous silk tie emblazoned with condoms, handed out some healthcare leaflets on how to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections that cannot be eradicated from the body. One of our Scottish members perusing the leaflet read out ‘och, genital herpes’, but because of his accent, I thought he said genital hairpiece, which caused all kinds of bizarre visions to suddenly spring to mind and gave a whole new slant to the ‘Brazilian’. Is there such a thing as a genital toupee I wonder? In the name of research I did google it, but nothing came up. Have I finally managed to outfox the internet?

Scottish accents can be hard to understand at the best of times, especially if the speaker talks very fast which is generally the case, especially with Glaswegians. I remember I was travelling home from London on a plane full of businessmen and got into conversation with the Scottish man seated next to me about the high cost of mobile phone calls. He told me he would never make a call in Lancashire because the people talked so slowly and in such a drawn out fashion, that even the shortest conversation would cost him a fortune. “Take the word June for example,” he pontificated his theory, “In Lancashire they would say Joooooon. Well, what’s wrong with Jin?” he demanded in his strong Scottish brogue.

I’ve also had problems with the Lancashire accent all my life, even though mine is not particularly strong and I’ve often been cruelly mimicked by southerners or posh speakers, especially with regard to words such as bath as opposed to ‘barth’ and duck as opposed to ‘deck’. Informing a very posh person once that we’d called our new puppy Tubby and wary of being mimicked, I tried to say it like she would i.e. Tabby. At which point she shrieked back, “Tabby? Fancy calling a dog Tabby. I thought cats were called Tabby not dogs.”

Any similar experiences for other hiviners?